Loyal
by f.f. lindy
Summary: I hate being the loyal guy. I hate that people realize how much I care about them and then use that as a bargaining chip when they rip out my heart and piss on it.”


Loyal

by: ff lindy

feedback: makes my day!

When we got home from our last case I walked in the door of my apartment to find all four of my goldfish floating belly up in the tank. I'd been one too many nights away from home, and although I had them pretty well conditioned to last a while without any food, they just couldn't survive a whole week without a single flake. Normally when this happens I don't feel too bad, because it typically isn't my fault. When I get home from a case I am usually about ready to kiss the floor of my apartment, because any number of nights out in the field is too many. This time, however, only three nights were spent in California sleeping on an uncomfortable hotel bed, the other five consecutive nights were spent in the plush king-sized pillow-top at Scully's place. So, when I walked in the door, and saw my fish floating upside down, I was filled with guilt. It was not my work that killed them, it was in insatiable desire to be near her.

I showed up at Scully's place and told her what had happened. She seemed to genuinely feel for me. "Maybe its time we get a pet that we can take care of, together," she suggested timidly.

"That's an idea. Maybe a kitten," I offered.

She looked at me strangely one eyebrow jumping. "A cat? Really?"

"What?"

"I just always pegged you as a dog person."

It struck me as funny that in 6 years together we had never had this second date conversation. "Why?" I asked.

"They're just so loyal, you know, like you. A cat doesn't really care one way or another, as long as it gets fed, but a dog will stay by you, protect you."

I have been pushing those words around in my head for the last week. One in particular: Loyal.

I've had three serious girlfriends in my whole life. I was never the type in high school to have girlfriends. And in my early college years I was just the token guy in all the psych classes, who hung out with girls, but never got with any of them. Then I met Phoebe, and things were just so good. For the first time in my life I came out of my shell. We had sex on every surface in her apartment, and then started in on every surface on the Oxford campus. Two years later, when I thought that she was the one and thought that I was going to start my own family, break away from my fucked up family of origin forever and spend the rest of my life in England doing research and raising children, I found out that she and one of the guys from the business department had covered more surfaces than we had, in about two weeks. I realized that I would never be able to trust her again. I wasn't able to trust anyone for a long time.

And then there was Diana. She was so affectionate and she seemed so interested in what I was doing. We had barely dated for a year before I bought the ring. I wanted someone to be mine forever. I wanted to settle down and start a family. Diana and I moved into a little house, and started our lives together. When I started work on the X-files she was there with me, and I for the second time in my life I thought that I had found someone I could trust with all my heart.

She said she had dentist appointment, and left early from work one day. Looking back on it, she had been to a lot of appointments leading up to that day: the optometrist, the hair stylist, lunch with her friends from college. I wanted to surprise her when she got home, because I knew how much she hated the dentist. I cut out early, went to the store and bought everything I would need to make her dinner. I saw her car in the driveway and tried to convince myself it had just been a short dentist visit, no cavities, no x-rays. But, when I walked in the door I heard her making sounds I knew all too well, and a man calling out her name. I left the groceries in the entryway and went back into the office. I guess you could say that was the turning point in my career. It was when I gave up completely on ever finding normalcy. I was only 30, and had only been in love twice in my life, but I threw in the towel. In an attempt to drive away the pain I threw myself into my work. I stopped trusting people, and I made the x-files the only thing in my life that meant anything to me.

I did anything I could not to be the poor sap whose heart Fowley broke, and if that meant becoming the crazy basement guy, so be it. I became more driven than I had ever been. I gave every case every part of me that I had, and it kept loneliness from knocking on my door.

When Scully walked into my office that first morning, looking so innocent and pure, I felt my heart leap. I wanted her to be my one. I beat myself up for months after I confided in her that night in Oregon. At the time it had felt so right, but as soon as she was gone I realized that I was beginning to let someone in. I didn't want to share my life with anyone else.

We learned in one of my family psychology classes that the person who is more in love is always at a disadvantage, that no one person should ever give more to a relationship than the other, or else that person will end up hurt. After one failed relationship and one failed marriage, I realized my problem. I was giving too much. I was the one who would stand beside the woman I loved through it all, and I had this terrible tendency to pick women who were ready to fuck anything with a tie to devote myself to.

So, I backed off from Scully. I didn't let myself self-disclose. I didn't let the relationship blossom. But eventually, I realized that it was too late. Regardless of the fact that I had kept my heart from her, I was devoted with all of me. I knew that if it came down to my life or hers, I would take the fall.

Looking back on it now, I guess I would have done that for Phoebe, or Diana back then. I would certainly do it for one of my few friends. There were times in college when I got the shit beat out of me to defend the honor of one of the girls I had befriended. And I guess that makes me loyal.

"You ready to go?" I looked up to see Scully with her coat on and her computer was shut down. She was ready to leave to office.

"Yeah," I said, trying to pull myself from my thoughts. They were things I had buried in these last few months, things I had tried to keep myself from thinking about. I didn't want to screw this up. Someone had given me a second chance to be happy when they sent this woman to me, and I was not going to ruin it. But the thoughts were now hurling themselves around inside me, and I felt the acid boiling up in my stomach, and I wondered how long it would be before she too found someone better.

We walked out to the parking garage quietly, and I saw my car parked across the aisle from hers. I thought of how strange it was that we still took two cars, as if there were any nights left that we didn't both go to the same place. My things were accumulating at her place, and my duffle bag in the closet, that had once comprised everything I kept at her place, had over the months turned into two drawers and nearly half the hanging space. I kept my coats in her coat closet and I kept my razor by her sink.

When I parked in front of her place Scully was getting out of her car. With my briefcase in one hand, and her in the other we walked to her apartment. We got inside and I toed off my shoes.

"What do you want for dinner?" she asked.

"What did you mean when you said I was loyal?" I asked, a little more quickly than I had intended.

She raised an eyebrow, but when she looked at my face, she knew I was serious. "I meant that when you care about someone, you stand by them. You don't give up on things. You commit yourself. It was supposed to be a complement, Mulder."

I pursed my lips, but didn't say a word. All of this was still brewing within me, and I didn't know what to tell her. I was afraid. She knew that I was loyal, and as badly as I wanted to trust her, as badly as I wanted to take this as a complement and realize that a woman loved me this much, all I could think of was how easy it would be for her to tear my heart out. She knew that I would stay with her until the bitter end.

"Mulder," the concern seeped into her voice.

Flopped myself down on the couch and sighed. She sat down next to me and looked at me curiously. "I know how lucky I am," she said. "I don't deserve a man who will take care of me no matter what, but I love you, Mulder. I love you so much."

I didn't look over at her; I just kept my eyes forward, trying to look strong.

"I hate being the loyal guy," I admitted abruptly. "I hate that people realize how much I care about them and then use that as a bargaining chip when they rip out my heart and piss on it."

"What are you saying, Mulder? That you think I don't care about you? That you don't trust me?" I heard the Irish temper seeping into her voice, but I couldn't restrain the thoughts plaguing me.

"I know better than to trust anyone Scully. You may care about me now, but how long is it going to be before you get a better offer. Six months, two years, what? One will come along Scully, and I just, I don't want to still be your puppy when it does."

"A better offer?" I could feel the rage she was emitting when she jumped off the couch. "I thought you knew me better than that." She stormed out the door, slamming it into the frame and stomping down the hallway.

I set my head in my hands, "You fucking idiot," I sighed. "It's over." But in a way I was relieved. This meant no more worrying about the relationship; it meant that I was free again. I was free to be sad and alone and keep all my feelings to myself. I stood and collected my shoes, then sat down again the tie them. I collected a few of my things from her closet, although I couldn't take it all in one load. With a down turned lip I opened the door and walked slowly down the hall. This, I reminded myself, hurt less than it would have to find her in bed with another man, but that didn't make the hurt any more bearable.

I reached the stairs and saw her sitting on the top step, brooding. I walked silently past.

"Where do you think you're going with all that?" she asked, her voice softer now.

"I'll come get the rest tomorrow," I said, actually hearing how pathetic I sounded.

"What? Mulder sit down."

I plopped down on the step next to her and let her look into me with those eyes.

"She screwed you up really badly didn't she?"

I averted her gaze, afraid I would cry if I did looked her in the eye, and wanting to maintain my dignity.

"Who was it? Fowley? Pheobe? Some other chickadee along the way?" She paused for me to respond, but I didn't. "I'm not her, you know. There is no offer better in the world than what we have here." She took my hand between hers. "Sometimes I forget, Mulder, that you were never taught about unconditional love. I get so caught up in what I think a relationship should be that I just forget that no one has ever returned your loyalty with that same love and devotion. But I will."

"Why? I'm too screwed up, Scully. You should get out while you can. I am going to keep…"

"Pushing me away?" she finished for me. "You're going to keep trying to get me to abandon you so that you can prove to yourself that you were right, that no woman will ever take care of your heart? Go ahead and try, Mulder, but I'm not going anywhere. I am going to be here to stop you every time you think this is over until the day comes that you realize that its forever."

She was right. As much as I hated to admit it I knew that this was a defense mechanism. "What would I do without you? What would I do if I didn't have anyone to see through this bullshit and call me on it?"

"You'll never have to find out," she said. "Because no matter what you do, I will always be here to call you on it. I know that you would do anything for me, Mulder. But you need to know, that I would do anything for you."

I pulled her to me and gave her a kiss.

"Now, can we go put this stuff back inside?"

I nodded. "You know, I think you're right, I think we should get a dog."

"Really?" her face lit up as she pulled herself to her feet and dusted herself off.

"Yeah," I said.

"It's a big responsibility," she said.

"I think we're ready," I nodded. She opened the door to her apartment and followed me into her room where I started to put back my things. "Just one question."

"Hmm?"

"Where's the dog going to live?"

She took a couple of my things and hung them neatly next to hers. "Here, with us."

"Us?" I asked, for the first time finding the balls to question where we were in this relationship.

"You pay rent somewhere else, Mulder. But your fish there are dead," she reminded.

"I couldn't give up my couch," I told her, to let her know that I caught where she was going.

"I don't think either of us want to give up that couch," she grinned mischievously. "But I think we could find a place for it here."

"It would mean commitment Scully," I said hesitantly.

"Yeah," she looked at me soberly, "it would. So would a dog. We would mean our being responsible for something as partners, for ten years."

"Us, partners? I think we can handle it," I teased.

She smiled and it brightened the room.

The next morning I pulled my keys off the counter on my way out the door and watched as she followed suit. I turned to her and held out my keys in my palm. "One car, Scully." I said. "Yours or mine."

She looked me square in the eyes, and I thought for a moment about backing down. She snatched the keys from my hand and tossed them back on the table by the door. "I get better mileage."

I gave her a quick kiss before turning back around to head out the door.

I wasn't used to being her passenger, and it seemed a little strange to get in the wrong side of the car. "We can trade off, Mulder," she said, as if she reading my mind. "I know you're used to driving." I liked the drive better with her. Alone it seemed long, but with her, it felt good. "Why haven't we done this before now?" she asked.

"I never felt like I could ask for the guarantee that we would be going home together."

I saw her face drop almost unnoticeably. She didn't want me to notice.

"I told you I was screwed up," I reminded, trying not to let the pain show on my face.

"Mulder," she said, taking my hand gently. There was a tear in her voice that I couldn't ignore.

"It's been a long time since anyone promised me anything, Scully."

"And the last time anyone did they broke it, didn't they?"

I didn't respond. She knew it was true.

"What did she do to you, Mulder?" she asked courageously.

I stared intently at the glove box, knowing what I had to do. "I was married, Scully. A long time ago, to a woman who I thought I could trust."

I felt the car jerk to a stop and looked up to see the red light. It was the last light before the office, and I cursed myself for bringing this up now.

She didn't respond as we parked in the garage and walked through the bullpen in silence. We never spoke on this walk. It wasn't that we were trying to keep our relationship a secret, it just seemed to me that we didn't need to put the fact that we were together on display.

The trip down to the office had given her time to process, and as soon as the door closed behind us she took a sharp breath. "Married? We've worked together for six years, Mulder, not to mention slept together for six months, and you never felt the need to mention that you were married?"

"It's not exactly something I like to talk about. I don't tell anyone."

"I'm not anyone. I'm your partner," she almost screamed.

"I know," I hung my head. "I just spent so long not telling anyone, I have put so much energy into putting that part of my life behind me, I don't even know how to bring it up anymore."

"Who was she?"

"It was," I looked up to make sure she didn't have anything in her hand to throw at me, then looked back down, "Diana."

"Diana?" she was on the verge of tears.

I forced myself to look at her, and just the sight of all that pain made me want to cry myself. "I should have told you. But I knew that if I did…We had to work with her, and I knew that if you knew the things about her that I did, you would have hated her."

"I hated her anyway, Mulder," she snapped. "But now I…" the first tear rolled down her cheek.

"We were married a little over a year," I confessed, even though she hadn't asked. "She left work early one day. She said she was going to the dentist," I almost laughed. "She was having an affair. I can't lie, Scully, I loved her. I loved her so much that I tried to keep the relationship alive even after I knew. I told her that I understood, that I could forgive her. And then one day she just left. She told me that she was moving out of D.C. and had asked for a transfer out of the X-files."

She wiped the tears away from her eyes and sniffled. "I'm sorry."

"Everyone was. They treated me like an invalid, always treading lightly around me. I hated it, so I stopped telling people. I should have told you, Scully."

"It's okay. I know now." The room was tense and quiet for a long moment. "Why did you stay with her?"

"I guess you said it best, Scully. I'm loyal."

"Even a dog won't take the abuse forever Mulder. If you hit it enough one day it is bound to turn on you."

"I just wanted so badly to find the one. I had this idea that I would find someone to center my life around, and have a family again. No matter how she treated me, I thought she was the one."

She ached, and I saw it. "You don't believe that anymore?"

"She taught me not to." She was on the verge of tears and I thought quickly about how to fix this. I needed to make my mouth stop it with the negative bullshit. "But you, Scully, you are the one now."

"I'm sorry, Mulder, but I can't be Diana 2.0." She whisked a tear from her eye and turned away from me.

"You aren't Scully. That's why I allowed my heart to let you in, because I realized that for the first time in my life I found someone who was so much more. I loved Diana then in the way that I thought love was supposed to be. She loved me back the way that my parents did, conditionally and in a painfully ordinary way. But I love you now in a way that I didn't even know was possible. You're more to me now than she was even when we were married. You fill a part of me that I didn't know existed." She turned to face me, tears rolling down her cheeks and I opened my arms to wrap myself around her. She stepped into my embrace.

"I hate that she broke you, Mulder. I hate that no one ever loved you the way you deserve to be loved."

"You did," I said and a tiny smile pulled on her lips.


End file.
